Is it safe to come out yet?

I feel like I’m in a constant state of panic. When will the next outburst come? Why is he so quiet now? What is he planning? When can I finally be free to move on and live my life without fear. It’s been a year since I packed his stuff and kicked him to the…

I’ve been found out

Just when you think you’re safe, BLAM. Reality check. So now N knows what’s been written here. And I’m scared. I’m scared because I revealed more than I should have. I let my emotions drive my actions. I’ve only written the truth. My truth. My emotions are valid and, I still fucked up. I did…

Here we go again

So I’m having sex with him, again. Why? Because I’m an idiot. At least that’s what I believe. Why do we go back to abusive partners time and time again? Why do we stay? Some say that we develop a trauma bond, a biochemical bonding. It’s like you become addicted to the highs and lows…

Under pressure

My mental health is declining so incredibly quickly I’m afraid that I will lose everything I’ve been trying to hold together. Is that what needs to happen? Do lives need to be destroyed in order for help to be provided?

Social anxiety

Buying groceries.  Hmm. The grocery store is busier than I expected. Is that woman looking at me? Why is that guy looking at me? Am I getting my cart fast enough? I hope I’m not in anyone’s way. Ok I’m out of the way. Oh god my phone is ringing so loud! Where is it?…

Finally time to read, heal and relax…or not.

It’s weird.  I really thought having my daughter at school would be time to relax. Instead I feel like I’m always holding my breath. Waiting for her to come back. That I can’t fully relax. Will this feeling ever go away?  Is that what anxiety does? Is it the perfectionist in me?  Like, if there…

Every rose has its thorn

So I’ve let some bad habits creep back into my life. My ex being one of them.  The stress of being a full time stay at home mom. Being unemployed. And having my ex want to be friends, because healthy people can still be friends with their exes. Only we are not healthy people. We…

And so it begins

So I did it. I finally did it. I kicked him out. I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy or normal breakup. But I still hoped it would be. I never imagined his mother would get so involved and shift so much blame to me. Accuse me of being cruel when all I…

Oops I did it again

I let him manipulate me in to feeling sorry for him again! Jesus! I only realized much later that night. He put on his nice guy face. Telling me to give him a break with child support because he has big bills. He needs to live too. He doesn’t want to live with his mom…

I’m not ok

So I started my Saturday like any other. I felt fine. I was to have a full day of spa clients, and was I looking forward to the tips, seeing as I had only worked 3 hours the previous week because I wasn’t feeling well. I started my first client, and all was well. It…

Freedom from judgement lies within…except when it doesn’t.

I hate that I am too scared to be myself. Because it doesn’t matter what self I am, it’s never good enough. I dream of the day I can feel comfortable and free of judgement. They say that if I stop caring what he says, judgment won’t matter. But he doesn’t stop, even when I…